peeing my pants...

Bikin' Dir-tay

Clean or dirty? Will we ever know?

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock three years go, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer three years ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had $614.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg Plan. Advise your friends and clients accordingly.

Blonde for the day

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde
says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

NASA

"There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs
going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries,
the thing we as human beings need most: space oil."

--Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

How Common are You?

Interesting link for when you're bored...

http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2001/thesweetestsound/popularityindex.html

I knew it!

I always thought she resembled a Klingon...this photo seems to capture that exceptionally well :)

Pollock

Art. It's not just for weirdos anymore.

http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

California Driver

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting. Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Yar-is

The Toyota Yaris:
Fuel efficiency for pirates.

In My Day...

Whether this contest was sponsored by the Post or not is irrelevant. The "answers" are hilarious...
_______________
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were
asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they
had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable
mentions are listed below.


Second Runner-Up:

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
traction.


First Runner-Up:

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of
that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them
to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm
so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really
matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if
you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.


And the winner:

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.


Honorable Mentions:

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts,
along with potatoes.


In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated.


In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.


In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.


Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched
on the back of a giant tortoise.


Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.


Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to
watch television by candlelight.

Tonight

Pinky : " Gee, Brain what do you want to do tonight?"
Brain : "The same thing we do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world!"

Believe it!

This past weekend we went to order our Prius and ended up taking home the first 2006 Prius sold in Tucson. Long story short...it was our lucky day and someone had backed out of purchasing what they had ordered (and it was just what we wanted). If we hadn't been so lucky, we might have been waiting until April for our new shiny thing.

To test out the gas mileage we took a mini road trip down to Bisbee, AZ. Bisbee is an old mining town gone artist community. It's nestled in a valley (of sorts) and is only a few miles from the Mexico border. We parked the car and went for a stroll, checking out the local galleries, etc. As we crossed an alleyway Dylan prodded me to look down the alley and take a picture. I took a few. I SWEAR this is not edited in Photoshop. It's for real...

groan

A woman was standing in line at the grocery store next to a blonde who was
engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared:

"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to the woman, she asked,
"How many is a Brazilian?"

comedy

Comedy is such a great thing. Really, the only thing that makes any of the unfortunate world events bearable for the human psyche. Thanks to Bill Maher for this golden nugget...


And finally, New Rule: America must recall the
president. That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned,
California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno
actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's
predecessor here in california, George Bush is now so unpopular,
he must defend his job against...Russell Crowe.
Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at
somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be
the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you
anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You
can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn
the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare:
helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed
out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time
to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like
you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the
baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job.
How about cowboy
or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many
other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please
don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with
Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space
program over to the church. And
Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

But, sir, none of that is going to happen now.
Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so
poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a
catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an
entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four
airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of
New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky!

I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much
worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak
to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."